I moved as a child and as an adult, so I never learned how to keep in touch with people. Being an introvert does not help either. It is not that I do not care. I just never learned the shape of staying. 

I have had insomnia since secondary two. Sometimes that snowballed into something like depression. Sometimes sleep is not rest for me. 

Back in the days in school, I was a mentor to younger children and students. I helped others because it made me feel useful, but sometimes I  was the one who needed help.

I started hurting myself in places no one could see. I have a small tattoo on my upper left arm now, covering it with unqiue meaning not to hurt myself. My shirt hides it. On my back, I have another: "Prayer of the heart kept in cages." My sister decided to have the same one.

I almost did not graduate though I won awards for my school. I spent some time in the counselling office. I am still grateful for that. I was not the best kid. I once used my late father's credit card too much during my teenage days. He was furious. I do not blame him.

[ The irony, as I am now self employed, I tried to inflate my income a little for around two years just to have better credit and get the credit card. It did not work. ]

After graduation, I got the internship I wanted. I even went where I hoped to go. However, I could not believe I ended up in the hospital with some sleep issues. My then churchmate helped me through some of it but I have back slided and trying not to. I am still grateful for that.

During my school days, I developed a porn addiction [ or it was on and off ] , which lasted me in my 30s. I am no longer on this now. It started with a school project, out of curiosity. I do not think this is good as it turns people into things. 

It drifts into places you did not expect. While this is not a crime, it is not good.

My late father passed away in 2013. I still do not know how to carry it. Something in me believes he might have been killed. Sometimes, I still do not know how to make peace with that.

There was this Taoist figure most people around me seemed to listen to. Something about him made me uncomfortable and I dislike him right away. The people around him were looking for something but not sure what. However, that lead me into exploring into these and even magick. 

[ My conclusion is that there is no such thing as "white magick" as we are not very sure what we are exploring with or messing with or changing things with even if it works.

The irony is there was a tough year some time back and I was selling tarot cards, angels cards and self affirmaton cards and I have around close to at least 80 sets of them myself. It got me into that and sales was good but I stopped. ]

I also used to sell things that infringed on intellectual property until I realized that on digital documents which I stopped. I still have a fake now and then for my own, but I try not to. 

From 2015, I had a dispute with a family member. It was a very long and hard issue to even explain. Even if I tried, she would not believe me anyway. We just would not believe in each other. It is probably now in even further mistrust now. It is my hope it did not become someting to discuss to at our back with the ones we once knew. A very sorry state.

Insomnia is still something affecting me for me. I think it is something most people have taken for granted to just wake up, have a clear mind ahead. Sometimes it drives you into other issues such as short attention span as you are getting lack of sleep and even depression. It tends to isolates you and you stop talking much. 

[ Somtimes, you have to even leech on your family just to survive in some days. I dislike that. I am grateful for my then former company director, who is still very supportive and she likes to nag at me but in a good way and always ask me to go to church though sometimes I just feel like a potato at home. ] 

In 2015, I found a website and app I am not proud of. There was nothing much happened but I remember that.

There was also once I downloaded a manual I should not have. A book banned in all places on how to kill yourself properly. Partly because I was depressed and I was also curious. I have yet to use it but it was one of the most interesting read I have ever forgotten.

I once had a conversation with someone I was supposed to be dating. I hurt someone with things I said during a private conversation. I am not too sure why the topics ranged from SM to gangbangs and why some relationships do not work. It went bad. It was my fault. We talked about things most would consider too wild. I owe an apology I have not given and not too sure how to give. We met but it did not work. 

As a teen, I wore thick makeup not because I thought I was attractive but I was deeply insecure about my looks. Natural beauty is rare and I am not one of them, and the world rewards what it notices. That is why the beauty industry and plastic surgery is huge. I understand it now. I felt it then. I do not think you go on a first date and said: " You soul looks beautiful." However, I am more at peace with myself these days. I probably look very different from my teenage years.

My Instagram and even other apps were hacked before. I had proof. It stayed with me longer than I expected with the feeling of someone being inside something that was mine. I did not know I was interesting enough for all these. 

I am currently self partnered and not halved and I do not understand why it must be "left over" to label someone. 

Oh, and I have a habit of not meeting someone at times on dating apps and only selectively as I am dead nervous but these days I am better.

I have also written a short "book" meant for someone but I think it is tained and I mean to be a ghost writer instead for her to pass it to someone.